Fear. We often associate it with things like public speaking, scary movies, or spiders. But other kinds of fear may be holding us back in ways we don’t really acknowledge: fears at work. These fears are less obvious but show up in the workplace and cause all sorts of dysfunction. The fear of looking stupid, the fear of failure, the fear of making the wrong choice. I bet if you thought about the past year at work, you could identify one or two times that you felt those fears.

But the fear that plagues us the most at work is the fear of conflict. In an ideal world, everyone would get along all the time, every project would move without a hitch. Feedback and constructive criticism would always go awesomely. Alas, we do not live or work in an ideal world, so conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship or team dynamic. But our fear means we often avoid even the healthiest or most productive conflict, opting instead for comfort. Fear and discomfort silence us, standing in the way of critical conversations that could lead to real growth.

Before we get too far, I need to admit something. My colleagues often comment that I have a particular way of delivering feedback or engaging in healthy conflict. I don’t hold back the truth, but somehow people feel okay about it, sometimes even grateful for it. They say I “punch someone in the face but make them feel hugged.”

Now, I don’t think I am always great at difficult interactions, especially in personal relationships (my spouse and son would probably attest to that), but I do believe conflict can be really good for us. Healthy conflict can be a gift—to individuals, teams, and organizations (and yes, to personal relationships).

So Why is Healthy Conflict So Difficult?

Most of us are really, really bad at conflict, and there are some very clear explanations for this.

Cultural Conditioning: Most people were raised to view conflict as negative. “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all!” is something we all heard from the time we learned to talk. We're conditioned to avoid sharing critical or thoughtful perspectives, equating those behaviors with conflict, confrontation, and aggression. Some of that can be gender-based. Boys are reinforced for asserting themselves and their opinions. Girls are encouraged to behave and to be nice. (Don’t even get me started on how “niceness” has really messed us up.) The thing is, our general understanding of “behaving” and “being nice” doesn’t leave room for pushing back on difficult stuff.

‍Tension is hard: Tension is inevitable during conflict, and everyone feels it—those who are good at feedback and those who are not. Yet some people are simply not willing to engage with that tension because it makes them too uncomfortable. So, rather than learning to engage in healthy conflict, they opt to forgo it altogether. But, in the long run, trying to ignore tough stuff doesn’t really solve the problem—and that tension will become present in other, weird ways.

‍Fear of Repercussions: In a workplace, there's often a genuine fear that conflict could lead to damaged relationships, job loss, or other negative outcomes. ‘Retaliation’ is a word I often hear when people describe what prevents them from reacting honestly to disagreements at work. I get this, humans are hard and sometimes downright crappy—a bad outcome is likely always possible, so we avoid conflict like we avoid poking bears. It keeps us safe.

‍Vulnerability: Acknowledging mistakes or admitting that you need to improve your conflict skills means admitting weaknesses, something many view as a personal failing. But being accountable for growth and betterment is something we should all aspire toward, especially for the sake of better outcomes.

The Importance of Embracing Difficult Conversations

Are you convinced that you should get great at conflict? Not yet? Well, here’s my hard pitch: shying away from hard talks means you miss out on valuable personal growth. And, when thinking about work, we’re also missing out on organizational or operational growth.

Once we get through the few minutes of discomfort that healthy conflict inflicts, what is the benefit? We make space to:

• Illuminate areas of opportunity and growth. None of us can see everything, other perspectives are vital to understanding a situation fully.
• Head toward innovative solutions. The lone genius myth is just that, a myth. No one delivers greatness alone.
• Build trust and improve team cohesion. Conflict is a necessary part of relationships, so the better you and others get at it, the closer you become.
• Challenge our belief systems. We should always be challenging what we think, and why we think it—pushback on our ideas does this.
• Experience healthy collaboration. Real collaboration requires a give-and-take, which can only be strengthened by an openness toward healthy conflict.

Now, Onto How to Approach Hard Conversations

‍When a difficult conversation is coming, it’s a good idea to be in an optimal headspace to receive and deliver hard truths. It also helps to consider the conditions under which you will engage in potential conflict—What time of day is it? What is physically around you? How are you feeling otherwise? (hot tip: if you’re tired or already irritated, postpone the convo!) All in all, take the time to set yourself up for success.

‍Prepare Mentally: Remind yourself about the importance of getting through a tough conversation constructively. You want to avoid knee-jerk responses at all costs because they often don’t reflect your best intentions. Give yourself space to be thoughtful in your approach—timely feedback is important, but not at the expense of thoughtfulness. Before starting the conversation, clarify your intentions. Are you aiming to improve a situation, provide feedback, or address a specific issue? Being clear on this helps frame the conversation and gives you a guidepost if (and when) the conversation takes some twists and turns. A little preparation goes a long way toward being succinct and effective.‍

Choose the Right Environment: Opt for a private setting, free of distraction. Make sure both parties feel comfortable and safe—safety is the highest priority. You never know exactly how you or the other person will react, so think carefully about where each person is (if you’re not in the same room) and where the room is if you’re together. Maybe don’t choose a meeting room directly across from their boss or direct reports.

‍Hold Yourself Accountable: Before going into any constructive discussion, remember it is your job to receive a message in a functional way and deliver it in a functional way. No one ever plans—or wants—to be dysfunctional. But maybe if we plan to be functional, we can receive and process information in a healthier way.

‍Ask for Help: I have a little trick that I learned from a mentor years ago that I included in both of my books. The best way to diffuse defensiveness is to ask for help. When moving into a difficult conversation, start with “I need your help.” For example, “I need your help figuring out how that project estimate was so inaccurate.” There isn’t a human on the planet that doesn’t want to be helpful. When you ask for help prior to moving into a difficult piece of feedback, you diminish the opportunity for shame, and defensiveness is almost always born out of shame.

‍Practice Active Listening: Active listening means really working to hear and process the other person's viewpoint without interrupting or preparing your response while they are still talking. Ask questions if something feels unclear so you feel confident that you’re responding with a complete understanding of their position. Use "I" statements. Instead of saying "You...", try "I feel..." or "I've observed..." This reduces the defensiveness of the person on the receiving end and encourages you to stay focused on what you know: your own perspective, not the other person’s actions, motivations, or feelings.

‍Seek Clarification: If something isn't clear, ask for that clarity. Never make assumptions.

‍Stay Calm: It's natural for emotions to flare up. This is one of my Achilles’ heels: I am the first person to raise my voice or get defensive. Taking deep breaths and remembering the goal of the conversation can help in keeping composure. If you need a few minutes, just ask the other person for a short pause in the conversation. I try to remember to assume positive intent. The goal is always about getting better. It’s important that I believe that at every moment of the conversation.

‍Express Gratitude: Whether or not you agree with the feedback or whether the person accepted your feedback, thank them for the conversation. Remember, anyone willing to come into a difficult conversation is brave. That bravery is a gift.

The idea of engaging in conflict can be daunting. The very thought of confrontation makes many people nauseous. As humans, our instinct is always to grow and evolve, and sometimes that means facing difficult truths and making changes. Reframing those difficult moments as opportunities, rather than fights, can really lead to transformative growth.

By learning and engaging in the art of healthy conflict, we can foster environments where difficult conversations become springboards to innovation, trust and, ultimately, to better work outcomes. And maybe finally getting over a fear with no good reason to hold us back. As I said in my book, “Kick your fear in the face by staring it down.”